Movie review: “The Artist”

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Partner and I have not seen very many of this year’s Academy Award nominees: only “The Descendants” and “The Help,” in fact.  We decided to remedy this by going to “The Artist” last weekend.

 

 

Hmm.

 

 

If you haven’t heard, this is a modern black-and-white silent movie (well, “silent” in that it has no spoken dialogue; there’s a lively musical background patched together from classic film scores, old songs, and some new music.)  The plot is a marriage of “Singin’ in the Rain” and “A Star is Born,” with lots of other movies thrown in.  In brief: it’s 1927.  George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is a handsome leading man who absolutely refuses to do talkies.  Peppy Martin (Berenice Bejo) is a cute newcomer who becomes a talkie sensation.  His downward path crosses her upward path, and . . .

 

 

Yes, well.  It’s nice, and funny, and well-directed (which I especially appreciate after seeing the catastrophically-directed  “Iron Lady” two weeks ago).  Dujardin and Bejo are fun to watch: he’s a pastiche of Douglas Fairbanks, John Barrymore, Errol Flynn, and Gene Kelly, with a killer smile, and she’s a combo of Joan Crawford (when she was very very very young), Carole Lombard, Clara Bow, Debbie Reynolds, and maybe some Ginger Rogers.  There’s a cute dog who does tricks and follows Dujardin everywhere.  The movie’s packed with all-star performances: John Goodman, Malcolm McDowell, James Cromwell, Penelope Ann Miller.

 

 

It’s also a game of Trivial Pursuit in movie form.  I caught references to at least two dozen different movies: “Citizen Kane,” “Grand Hotel,” “Dinner at Eight,” “The Band Wagon.”  I’m sure I missed two dozen others. When Dujardin and his wife have breakfast together and she digs into her grapefruit, I flinched a little.  When Dujardin clowns with his food (in tandem with his dog) – well, who else but Chaplin?

 

 

It’s charming, but not very moving.  There are melancholy moments – Dujardin’s retreat into depression as his career goes sour, Bejo’s anxious attempts to watch over him from afar – but your heart tells you that all will be well in the end, and (forgive me if I spoil the movie for you) your heart would be right about that.   “A Star Is Born” had a sad ending, remember, but “Singin’ in the Rain” did not . . .

 

 

But not every movie needs to tear your heart out.  This is a shiny little gem of a movie; maybe it ain’t a diamond, but it’s been polished to a very high luster. 

 

 

Okay.  Only six more movies to see before Oscar night . . . .

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Let the Muppets host the Oscars!

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Eddie Murphy recently decided not to host next year’s Academy Awards ceremony, for reasons which are a little murky, but seem to involve his loyalty to Brett Ratner, the show’s director, who was fired after he got a little frisky in a couple of interviews.  

 

 

I like Eddie Murphy, I suppose; I got a few laughs out of “Bowfinger,” anyway.  Oh, and he was cute as the voice of the donkey in “Shrek,” and the mini-dragon in “Mulan,” although it was sort of the same performance in both movies.  But I was out of the United States during a key period in the 1980s – the period during which “Ghostbusters,” and “Miami Vice” were popular, and during which Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy were the new faces of television comedy.  As a result, I am more or less apathetic about Eddie Murphy in general.  Let him go, let him go, God bless him, I say.

 

 

More importantly, however: whatever shall we do for an Academy Awards host?  (You know how strongly I feel about the Oscars.)  We could pray for the wiry Hugh Jackman, or the nimble Neil Patrick Harris, I suppose.  And I hear that Billy Crystal (who must be eighty years old by now) has already been approached, and has mumbled and clicked his agreement through his ill-fitting dentures.

 

 

But I just saw the best idea of all online recently: let the Muppets host the Oscars!

 

 

Think of it!  Kermit cheering and leaping around on Julia Roberts and Emma Stone.  Miss Piggy doing at least one (and maybe all) of the musical numbers (with Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem as backup), and making out (or trying to) with George Clooney.  Statler and Waldorf heckling the performance from the audience.  Fozzie doing comedy relief in tandem with Zach Galifianakis.  We could even have some crossover Muppets: the Count!  Big Bird!  Grover!

 

 

If you don’t agree with me that a touch of Muppet improves almost anything, please to watch this clip from “WWE Raw,” in which lab assistant Beaker gives a wrestler a Secret Energy Drink!

 

 

So let’s dump tired old Billy Crystal, and let him go back to Boca, and give the Muppets a chance.

 

 

Wocka wocka!

 

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Oscar night, 2011

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There are things that gay men have to do. One of them is watching the Oscar telecast, whether we want to watch it or not.

Here, for the rest of you, is what you may or may not have missed last night, the highs and the lows:

• In the obligatory funny opening, James Franco and Anne Hathaway teleport through this year's movies, in a conceit borrowed from “Inception.” Cute, right? Until they did “Black Swan.” Anne wears a dreadful duck outfit; James is in a very tight white leotard, and kids, he has a killer ass.
• Kirk Douglas looks dreadful, but he's very funny, and he can't get enough of the camera. And they can't get him off the stage. “Australians always think I'm funny!” he cackles, pointing to Hugh Jackman.
• Melissa Leo, accepting her award, uses what will be known forevermore as “the Melissa Leo f-word.”
• Justin Timberlake claims to be Banksy. Too highbrow for this crowd?
• Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, who have a whole boatload of cute between them (Javier, if you're reading this, call me!), look awful in their matching white tuxes, which (Partner and I agreed) appear to be made from old flour sacks.
• David Seidler, the sweet old man who won for writing “The King's Speech” (and who waited almost thirty years to write it, so as not to offend the Queen Mother), jokes charmingly about being a late bloomer.
• Anne Hathaway sings really well! Dressed in a natty tux (take note, Javier and Josh!), she does a cute little lament to Hugh Jackman, mentioning his “fake retractable claws.” (Everyone loves Hugh Jackman.)
• After Anne's song, James Franco comes out in Marilyn Monroe drag, matching Anne's Marlene Dietrich tuxedo drag. (I give them both credit. You know I have deep respect for drag.)
• Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, presenting an award together, are inexplicably perfect as a combo, like Canadian bacon and pineapple on pizza. She is icy and speaks French; he is crazy and idiotic. And (producers take note!) they are not on stage for very long.
• Christian Bale, with a neatly-trimmed Captain Ahab beard, references “the Melissa Leo f-bomb” in his thank-you speech.. (You could tell he expected to win. I bet he would have thrown a brilliant tantrum if he hadn't.)
• Matthew MacConaughey looks like a dried codfish.
• James Franco called the winners of the Scientific and Technical awards “nerds.” Nice guy!
• Cate Blanchett, reading the nominees for Best Makeup, calls the clip from “The Wolfman” “gross.” Big laugh. Guess who wins? Rick Baker for “The Wolfman.”
• Kevin Spacey: “Good evening. I'm George Clooney.” (Yo, Kevin! Call me!)
• Every time I hear Randy Newman perform, I think of Will Sasso on “Mad TV,” who did it better than Randy ever did.
• (Why the hell is Adrien Brody doing a Stella Artois ad?)
• A crazy man with mop hair, Luke Matheny, wins for short subject. He thanks his mother for working as craft services! And Franco gives him a shoutout for NYU!
• Billy Crystal does a shoutout to Hugh Jackman in the audience. It was at least the third Jackman shoutout of the show. Everyone loves Hugh Jackman! (Yo, Hugh! Call me!)
• Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law have huge chemistry together. I want them to start making out, right there on stage.
• I'll kill Gwyneth Paltrow with my own two hands if she keeps pretending to be a singer. Especially after being introduced as “country music's new sensation.” Does Country Music know about this?
• (Randy Newman update: he won for his “Toy Story 3” song. And he was funny and self-deprecating in his speech. I take it all back.)
• Best Oscar-themed commercial of the night: “Modern Family” cast, doing charades. “Lovely Bones! Milk!”
• Natalie won Best Actress for “Black Swan.” Good for her. I'm glad that stupid Ashton Kutcher movie she made didn't kill her chances.
• Sandra Bullock is very funny during her presentation speech. She calls Jeff Bridges “Dude”!
• Colin Firth wins Best Actor. Partner just said: “What a relief! Imagine being the favorite and not winning!”
• Anne Hathaway promised seventeen outfits for the evening, and she delivered. And she looked good in all of them.
• “The King's Speech” wins Best Picture! One of the producers thanks his boyfriend. Good for him.

Good night, good night. Until next year.

And thanks to the Academy.

(This is exhausting.  I hope you appreciate what Partner and I do for you.)

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