Why did Pope Benedict retire?

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Popes do not resign very often. Official Church history doesn’t even give an exact number, because several very early popes may or may not have resigned. The two most famous are these: Celestine V in 1294, who hated his job, and Gregory XII in 1415, because there were three popes at once, and – well, it’s a complicated story.

 

 

The outgoing Pope, Benedict XVI, said he retired because he’s “infirm.” Aha. Well, popes generally stay put until they crumble into dust. The previous Pope, John Paul II, was very ill for at least the last ten years of his life, but continued to do his job, and was respected for it. Here’s the reasoning: the Holy Roman Catholic Church is guided by the Holy Trinity. The Holy Trinity gives spiritual guidance to the College of Cardinals when they elect the new Pope. Presumably, the Holy Trinity will not guide the College of Cardinals to elect someone who needs to step down after a few years.

 

 

So: we are forced to conclude that His Holiness Benedict XVI stepped down for more earthly and/or carnal reasons.

 

 

Here are a few earthly and/or carnal suggestions:

 

 

-         Benedict (formerly Josef Ratzinger) was a member of the Hitler Youth, and fought in World War II. His family, and the Church, has maintained that young Josef was defiantly anti-Nazi, and went so far as to avoid Hitler Youth meetings! (Well, really, if he’d wanted to be anti-Nazi, he could have gone underground.) Is it possible that someone has positive proof that young Josef was an active member of the German National Socialist Party, and is blackmailing him with the information?

-         One rumor goes like this: Benedict commissioned an investigation into the “gay Mafia” that runs the Vatican. The report was so overwhelmingly damning that Benedict decided he couldn’t run things anymore.

-         Same rumor, different twist: the “gay Vatican mafia” got so mad at Benedict that they forced him out.

-         Benedict is a famously bad personnel / money manager, and so are his lieutenants. Could this be about something as simple as financial mismanagement?

-         How about this? There are lots of sex scandals, both within the Vatican and outside. Let’s say Benedict discovered an embarrassing one – some cardinal or monsignor – and was silly enough to think he could pay off a blackmailer. Now it’s all about sex and money.

 

 

And here’s the thing: there was a time when we would never have known the truth. But things are changing. People are speaking up. People aren’t so much afraid of the Church hierarchy anymore.

 

 

Stay tuned, kids. Who knows what we might learn?

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Papal election update

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A surprising number of my friends and acquaintances are paying attention to the Papal election. One of them wants me to be the new Pope (I’m a baptized Catholic, so I’m eligible). Another wants the Roman church to go the Anglican route: an African church, a South American church, etc.

 

 

Maybe I’m wrong, but this will not be a brief conclave. I see a couple of opposing forces here, as follow:

 

 

-         A retiring Pope, who thinks it’s within his power to name a successor;

-         A College of Cardinals whose members know very well that the outgoing Pope has no such power;

-         A largely Third World congregation, which would love to see a black or Hispanic Pope;

-         A strongly European Church hierarchy, which thinks that the Catholic Church is still a European entity.

 

 

Yikes!

 

 

The funniest part of this is that Boston Cardinal Sean O’Malley (from Ohio), is being touted (by the local Boston / Providence media) as a frontrunner. Well, nothing’s impossible. But, really: an American Pope? I doubt it.

 

 

Same for an African Pope, or a white South African Pope. Not much of a chance.

 

 

Shortly after Benedict’s resignation announcement, the Vatican leaked the implication that this would be a quick conclave; there’d be a Benedict-approved candidate (probably the Italian Cardinal Scola), and the cardinals would vote for a day or two, and it’d be over.

 

 

But I just don’t think so.

 

 

But then again, it’s all in God’s hands, isn’t it, kids?

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This week in the Papacy

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It was big news the other day when we heard that old Benedict XVI had resigned. “Are you getting ready?” a coworker asked me. “Ready to be summoned to Rome?”

 

 

“If called,” I said modestly. “Who am I to ignore a summons from Holy Mother Church?”

 

 

Let’s not even worry about why Benedict is resigning; we’ll never know the real reason in any case. (I’m assuming the “age and feebleness” rationale being advanced by the Vatican is a big fat lie; he became Pope at the age of 78, and he wasn’t exactly a spry little bunny in those days either.) It’s fun to theorize about scandal, hidden secrets, blackmail, etc., etc., but it will end up being one of the Mysteries of Church History, like Pope Joan and the throne with the big hole in the seat.

 

 

The word is that there’s already a top contender, Cardinal Angelo Scola, to wear the Shoes of the Fisherman. The current Pope (soon to be Herr Ratzinger again) has apparently given him his blessing. We will see how well this works. (Two Africans and a Canadian are in contention too, but – I mean really – is the Church ready for a Canadian?)

 

 

To be honest, I’d love to be Pope, for about a billion reasons. The hats alone would make me deliriously happy.  I love being chauffeured around. I’ve always thought candles and incense dress up a place.

 

 

And then there’d be all the fun I could have with Church dogma. I have a couple of ex cathedra statements ready for my first couple of weeks – priesthood for women, marriage for priests, etc. It’s time to shake some of the cobwebs off the Church; the Second Vatican Council was a nice start, but it didn’t go anywhere near far enough, and the last two Popes did everything they could to take the church back to the way it was before Vatican II.

 

 

You might think it’s unrealistic of me to think I’d be made Pope, given that I’m not in holy orders. Not a problem! Any baptized Roman Catholic man is eligible. See?

 

 

Best of all, I could probably figure out a way to pre-canonize myself, so that I’d go straight from the Papacy to the Litany of the Saints upon my expiration.

 

 

I tell you: if there were a Pope like me, I might actually become a practicing Catholic again.

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