Total Pageviews

Saturday, June 30, 2012

The gay Oreo

Oreo_pride


The Nabisco company recently put the above picture on their website, with the innocuous / sweet caption: “Proudly support love!”

 

 

And, naturally, the company was immediately attacked by bigots and conservatives.

 

 

On account of what? A double-double-double stuffed cookie? I would have thought that a cookie like this would sell like hotcakes in the Bible Belt. Especially with all those bright colors.

 

 

But – despite this redneck protest – more and more companies are showing their true (rainbow) colors, and good for them: Target, J. C. Penney, Starbucks. Even Cheerios!

 

 

But the bigots and the religious right are thrashing around in anger, and threatening boycott.

 

 

Let them thrash, brothers and sisters.

 

 

See, I figure, for every religious / conservative kook who decides to boycott one of the above companies (and there are many more gay-tolerant and gay-friendly companies than this, as you’ll see if you follow this link), there’s at least one gay person or gay-tolerant person who’s charmed and delighted by those companies’ bravery.

 

 

(And do you know what one of the main complaints on the (mostly tolerant) Internet is? It's that these gigantically-stuffed cookies aren't actually available for sale.)

 

 

 

I haven’t been to Starbucks in a while. I should pay them a visit.

 

 

Do you suppose they sell Oreos?


 

 

Friday, June 29, 2012

The Supreme Court’s health care decision

0628-obama-health-care-dewey-truman_full_600


Yesterday morning I was at the office, crawling under a desk to connect a telephone wire, when Partner called me. “The Supreme Court upheld health care!” he crowed. “Roberts voted with the liberals!”

 

 

I was so excited that I got up too quickly and bumped my head.

 

 

Seriously: I’m delighted. Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act was a landmark piece of legislation, which finally put health care into the same category as education: everyone should have access to it, in the same way. No more marching poor people off to emergency rooms, where they can wait patiently like the paupers they are. No more hospitals amortizing the money they lose on emergency-room care by charging more for standard services. No more insurance companies charging inflated premiums because hospitals charge inflated rates.

 

 

Well, maybe not all at once. But a huge step in the right direction: the biggest step since Medicare.

 

 

The Right’s attempt to overturn the health care act was, for me, sick-making. They couched it as a moral and political issue: how dare the government tell us what to do?

 

 

Honey, they do it all the time: law enforcement, income tax. Get used to it. And this is for something good and well-intentioned.

 


I have seen, just last evening online, images of Obama burning the Constution. I also read online that a number of angry conservatives are Tweeting about moving to Canada, to escape the communist tyrant Obama. (Canada, get it? That place with free health care?) When it was pointed out to them that this made no sense, they claimed it was a joke. Really?  “I’m moving to Canada” means, to me, “I like the idea of free health care.” One said: “At least in Canada they’re openly socialist, unlike Obama who pretends to be a democratic leader.”

 

 

Yikes yikes yikes.

 

 

And here’s the best part: even if the Mayans are right and Romney becomes President, he will have a hell of a time overturning Obama’s legislation; he will never have a supermajority in either house, and Democrats will filibuster him to death on the issue.

 

 

And the American people, in the meantime, will discover that it’s nice to have health care, and the polls will turn in favor of health care.

 

 

And you know how Mitt Romney feels about polls, and about agreeing with the majority.

 

 

I got up yesterday morning thinking it was going to be a sucky day. And it turned out to be a great day for America.

 

 

Who knew?


 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

How to thicken your blueberry pie

Instant


Boy, I bet that title got your attention, didn’t it?

 

 

Anyway.

 

 

You know I’ve been baking blueberry pies lately. Partner and all his family members love them, and I enjoy making them.  I have mostly perfected the process.

 

 

Except that I have always struggled with the juiciness issue.

 

 

Berries are naturally very juicy.  In extreme cases (as when I use frozen berries), this results in a crust filled with sweet blue soup. More often, it’s just an issue of messiness. Also, it’s hard to sop up all that good blueberry flavor when it’s running around liquefied in your pie plate.

 

 

So we use a thickening agent. And, mama, I have tried them all. Cornstarch is moderately effective. Flour has seemingly no effect at all (though my friend Cathleen swears by it). Tapioca creates a nightmarish blue/white solid mass inside your pie that looks like Styrofoam; it tastes okay, but it looks horrible.

 

 

(Yes, I know this is not the most pressing problem in the world, and not in the league of – say – world hunger, or a cure for cancer. But I set myself small problems to solve, and I generally achieve my goals.)

 

 

I was browsing the King Arthur catalog a few weeks ago when I noticed a product called “Instant Clearjel,” which promised to make runny / juicy pies a thing of the past.

 

 

For $4.95 plus shipping, it was worth the gamble.

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, hats off to this product. It is the greatest invention of our time.

 

 

The package said to add anywhere from two to five tablespoons, with berry pies getting more. I decided to be cautious in my first attempt, and added two.

 

 

The result was spectacular. The pie, when I cut into it, was glorious: a few berries crumbled away, but the filling held its shape. The individual berries glistened like dewdrops in the morning sunlight.  It made me feel like Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray all in one. Partner pronounced it one of my best pies ever.

 

 

I have no idea what’s in this stuff; the package says only “modified food starch.” Modified how? Shot out of a cannon? Exposed to gamma rays? Combined with something that came out of a meteor?

 

 

I don’t care.

 

 

All you pie bakers out there: save your nickels and dimes and buy some of this stuff.

 

 

It’s wonderful.


 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Rest in peace, Nora Ephron

Nora-ephron


So sorry to see another witty smart person go: Nora Ephron, who died just yesterday.

 

 

I love her novel “Heartburn.” Here are a couple of (inexact) excerpts:

 

 

“I was hired by the National Caper Council to develop a bunch of recipes including capers. For a month I put capers in everything including milkshakes, and I realized that everything that tasted good with capers tasted better without.”

 

 

Also (I paraphrase broadly on this one): the narrator is in the hospital, watching over her critically ill mother. The nurse comes in and covers her mother’s face with the blanket. “Our mother’s dead,” the nurse says warmly.

 

 

Narrator flares up. “She’s not our mother! She’s my mother! And – “

 

 

And all at once Mother sits up in bed, spreads her arms in triumph, and says:”Ta da!”

 

 

(And then dies shortly afterward.)

 

 

(Rest in peace, Nora. We will miss you, and your wit, and your warmth.)


 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Internet identities

394204075


I had a acquaintance some years ago who was active on every single social-networking site: Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn. He was anxious to make a name for himself. More than a name: an image.

 

 

(This is not me, by the way, so get that idea out of your head. It’s not one of those “I have a friend who . . .” things. This is a real story about someone else. You know I always tell the truth about myself. Well, most of the time.)

 

 

My friend's LinkedIn image was professional: he'd had more jobs than you could shake a stick at. He was all over the place in his profession, rising from level to level. You could trace his career growth on a graph, if you wanted to: manager, director, executive director –

 

 

Except that it wasn’t true. I knew that he'd actually lost his previous job and wasn't working at all at the moment. So: he was either making it all up, or misdating the information he was posting. I didn’t want to call him out – who wants to destroy a career? – but I had a strange feeling about all of this, as I watched him go from untruth to untruth on LinkedIn.

 

 

Then there was his Facebook persona.

 

 

On Facebook, he was Mister Philanthropist. He was all over the place: giving speeches here, making heartfelt appeals there. He was amazing. Some of his Facebook friends were buying it: he was getting “Congratulations!” comments right and left on his various philanthropic / altruistic posts.

\

 

(I, on the other hand, knew that he might or might not be making this stuff up. And, even if he wasn't, he was certainly making the LinkedIn stuff up. And, for those of us who were following him on both LinkedIn and Facebook: we had to ask ourselves how he could possibly have the time to do all these things – be a stellar businessman and a stellar philanthropist – at the same time?)

 

 

So what’s a girl to do?

 

 

I could have messaged him, or confronted him. So could lots of other people, I imagine.

 

 

But I didn’t.  Oh, well, I thought.  It’ll blow up eventually. And, when it does, it will be spectacular.

 

 

And we (who knew the truth) will be able to say: “Oh, I had no idea! I thought it all sounded a little out of kilter. But I really didn’t know he was doing all of that . . . “

 

 

A warning to all of you fibbers out there: the truth will come out.

 

 

The Internet is built that way.


 

Monday, June 25, 2012

My ophthalmologist is a jerk

Ophthalmologist


My eyesight turned bad when I was about nine years old. I’ve worn glasses ever since, and go for regular checkups.

 

 

Luckily, the Rhode Island Eye Institute is a block and a half away from our apartment.  The day before my last appointment, I received a telephone reminder from a robotic assistant, who told me blurrily that I had an appointment on Wednesday with a Doctor – Newberg? Newsome? Nugent?

 

 

I couldn’t remember.  I’ve had at least three different doctors since going there; the first one retired, the second one moved away.  When I checked in, I tried “Nugent,” as that seemed the trendiest, what with Ted Nugent in the news and all.  The receptionist looked up at me wearily.  “Newman?” she said.

 

 

“Sure,” I said.  “Why not?”

 

 

First came the assistant.  Eye drops.  “Is this better – or this?  Number one – or number two?”  I’ve been doing this since I was nine years old.  I know the drill.  I hate the drops, but I can deal with the glaucoma test and the blazing lights they shine into my eyeballs.  I’m tougher than I look.

 

 

Then, after an interminable wait (to allow the drops to take effect), in walks Doctor Newton: younger than me, blondish, goofy-looking, very sure of himself.  He looks into my eyeballs.  Optic nerve blah blah blah. Cornea blah blah blah. There’s some pitting of the retina that might (if I live long enough) be serious, but not to worry: surgery can fix it. 

 

 

Lovely.

 

 

I decide to ask a question.  “I’ve been wearing bifocals for a while,” I said.  “Do I really need them?”

 

 

He starts to giggle. “You probably don’t realize that you’re using both lenses,” he said.  “That’s a good thing.”

 

 

At first I’m relieved.  Then I notice that he’s still laughing at my silly question, and glancing back at his assistant to make sure she notices what a silly thing I’ve said.

 

 

And I suddenly realize that my ophthalmologist is a jerk

 

 

I have pretty much decided I will never visit Doctor Nerdburger again.  There are lots of ophthalmologists in the world.

 

 

I wonder if Ted Nugent is available?


 

 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

For Sunday: T. Rex performs "Bang A Gong"

 

603497974122_xl_digital

Now, ladies and gentlemen: one of the stupidest songs ever written.

 

 

Also one of the most effective.

 

 

Presenting: T. Rex performing “Bang A Gong.”

 

 

Get it on!

 

 

 


 

 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Finding out what the yellow flowers are called

Yellow_flowers_in_a_field_czech_republic_gwj41365966


I walk to work most days. Some days I walk all the way, which takes about thirty minutes. Most days I ride the Providence trolley with Partner; I get off on Wickenden Street, which is about a fifteen-minute walk from my office.

 

 

I walk past a florist, and a used-record store, and a couple of restaurants and bars, and a hardware store, and two coffeeshops, and a pizzeria, and an art-supply store.

 

 

Then I walk through a field of flowers.

 

 

I-195 used to run through the center of Providence. They rerouted it a few years ago. All of the former interstate-highway space is now a green boggy wilderness, full of weeds and flowers. (Rhode Island is largely swampland, so there’s a lot of squashy reedy ground reasserting itself too; geese are returning in large numbers, and those geese are mean.)

 

 

In the green space, there are yellow flowers, and white flowers, and yellow, and purple. I recognize some of them: carpet bugle, and butter-and-eggs, and milkweed, and even Jimson weed. There’s chicory, and vetch, and mullein. 

 

 

But there are a few I don’t know.

 

 

Some are yellow, on long spindly stalks. Some are small purple flowers on short stalks. Some are white, and small, and subtle.

 

 

Hm.

 

There’s an Ursula LeGuin short story called “The Day Before The Revolution.” It’s about an old woman, Laia, who has inspired a revolution, but is now too old to care about it: all she can think about is her own past, and her dead husband, and the moments of joy in her life.

 

 

At the end of the story, she goes upstairs to her room to rest, and probably to die. On the way,  she looks out the window at a field of yellow flowers, the same flowers in which she lay down with her husband for the first time. And the last line is: “Eighty-five years, and she never had time to find out what the yellow flowers were called.”

 

 

I understand this.

 

 

I want to find out what the yellow flowers in the green field are called, before it's too late.


 

Friday, June 22, 2012

By request: my piecrust recipe (by way of the King Arthur Cookbook)

Crust


Since writing my blueberry pie blog the other day, I’ve gotten innumerable (read: two) requests for my crust recipe.

 

 

I’m flattered.  But I need to tell you that this is the classic piecrust recipe from the King Arthur Flour 200th Anniversary Cookbook (with very tiny modifications). It got me over my fear of making piecrust. It’s easy, and fairly quick, and very reliable, and everyone seems to like it (I haven’t gotten any complaints yet). As with any piecrust recipe, you will end up covered with flour. I was wearing sweatpants while making my most recent batch, and wore the same sweatpants to the health club the next night, and realized belatedly that I looked like I’d been sprayed with ranch dressing. Or something.

 

 

Herewith the recipe:

 

 

-        3 cups all-purpose flour.

-        1 teaspoon salt.

-        1 teaspoon sugar (if you’re making a fruit pie; omit for a quiche / chicken pot pie crust).

-        Approximately ¾ cup vegetable shortening, or other fat (some use half butter, half shortening; I get better results with shortening. I know it’s a trans-fat. So what? How often do you make a pie?).

-        Very cold water (as in refrigerated; we use a Brita pitcher, so there’s never any problem finding good ice-cold water).

 

 

Measure the flour, salt, and sugar into a large bowl, and stir together lightly to mix. Add the shortening and methodically work it into the flour/salt/sugar mixture with a fork or pastry blender. (I prefer a fork.)  You want a sort of grainy / pebbly look when you’re completed this step: no big chunks of shortening left, and the flour should have darkened very slightly.

 

 

Stir in a few tablespoons of very cold water. (Don’t stir too hard – just try to blend them in.)  Then a few more. Then a few more. You’ll see the flour/shortening mixture turn gradually to piecrust consistency. If you overshoot the mark and add too much water, try adding a little more flour to even out the batch.

 

 

When you have a satisfactorily doughy mass in your bowl, turn it out onto your (floured) rolling surface.  (Partner’s sister gave me a big wooden plank, which works very nicely.) Work it with your hands a bit to make sure it’s thoroughly mixed, but not too much; if you work it too heavily, it’ll turn tough.

 

 

When it’s nice and uniform, split it into two equal masses, and plop one of them back into the original bowl, and put it in the refrigerator to wait its turn.

 

 

Roll out the first mass of dough, using flour liberally to keep everything non-sticky. (This is how flour gets everywhere.). Roll it to your desired thickness (I like it a little thicker than most people; with a juicy pie, it’s nice – the thick crust will absorb a lot of juice and be very flavorful).  Pick it up (carefully) and put it in your pie plate. (This is a terrifying moment. Be brave.)

 

 

Fill your piecrust with the filling of your choice.

 

 

Take crust #2 out of the fridge, roll it out, and do what you will with it.  (I used to do latticed crusts, which are very attractive, but Partner let me know that he doesn’t care so much about latticed crusts.  This is flattering, actually, because it tells me he actually likes the way the crust tastes, and doesn’t mind having a little more of it in the pie. In any case, do as you wish.)

 

 

Finish the edge of pie in your preferred manner.  (I pinch mine; it’s simple and very Early American.  My mother used to do an elaborate thing like a ribbon around the outer edge of the pie; it was beautiful, but I (frankly) can’t be bothered.)

 

 

There will almost certainly be lots of extra crust hanging around the pieplate.  Trim it off with a knife. 

 

 

(This recipe creates a lot of extra crust, if you do it the way I do.  I take the remaining crust (after trimming), roll it out in sugar, cut it in strips, put some honey and cinnamon and extra sugar on top, and bake the strips for about 20 minutes in the same oven with the pie; they’re a nice little snack while you’re waiting for the pie to cool.)

 

 

See how easy?


 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Editing; or, shorter is almost always better

Dark_victory_bette_davis


(Warning: I am going to spoil several movies for you here.  Specifically, I am going to ruin “Chronicle,” “Sunset Boulevard,” and “Dark Victory.”  If you don’t want to know what happens in these movies, click away immediately.)

 

 

(Still with me?  Read on.)

 

 

Partner and I saw “Chronicle” a few months.  It’s one of those “found footage” movies like “The Blair Witch Project” and “Paranormal Activity,” all grainy video, supposedly filmed by the participants / characters themselves.  The problem with these movies is that you have to find a pretext for the filming.  In “Blair Witch,” they’re doing a documentary project.  In “Paranormal,” they’re trying to figure out what’s going on in their house.  The pretext in “Chronicle” is that one of the characters is being bullied and abused by his father, and is filming everything in an attempt to set up a shield around himself.  This device becomes a little difficult later in the movie – almost a hindrance.  After he becomes a maniacal supervillain, he sucks all the video devices out of the hands of the people in the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle and floats them around himself, to film himself.  Crazy!

 

 

Anyway, the movie's about teenagers who (for some reason) develop telekinesis.  They get better and better at it.  Then one of them gets really sad and depressed, and –

 

 

Then there's a big fight scene. It was blurry and murky, unfortunately; I had a hard time who was doing what to whom.  There was lots of smashing and crashing, anyway. Supervillain loses.  Superhero zooms away.

 

 

And then – horrors – there’s an epilogue

 

 

“Andrew!” our hero yelps into the camera.  “You were a good guy!  I know you were!  I’m gonna figure this thing out, and – “

 

 

Honey, Andrew nearly destroyed the city of Seattle.  He was not a good guy. 

 

 

Also, that epilogue scene was pretty much an embarrassment.   Too much; too cute; too obvious; too clearly a signal that, if this movie does well, we will have "Chronicle II."

 

 

I was describing this scene to one of my student assistants, and she was giggling.  “I think that final scene did it for me,” I told her.  “Maybe they just should have chopped the movie off after the death of the villain, with the hero zooming off cryptically into the sky.” 

 

 

And then it occurred to me, epiphanically: editing is important.

 

 

Ever seen “Dark Victory”?  Bette Davis plays a wealthy Virginia horse-owner with an incurable illness.  All she knows is that she is going to drop dead very suddenly; she will, however, go blind about fifteen minutes before the end. In the movie's final scene, Bette's working in the garden with her best friend, and says innocently, “Did the sun go behind a cloud?” 

 

 

They suddenly realize what’s happening, and –

 

 

The whole thing takes only a few minutes.  The screen fades to black.  THE END.

 

 

Terrific ending.  But then I read the original screenplay.  In it, her widower and her best friend are at the races together, watching one of Bette’s beloved horses win the race.  They look at each other tearily.  “Wouldn’t she have loved it?” one says to the other.

 

 

Blech.  Thank god they cut that scene.

 

 

Movies are generally much too long.  Have you noticed, even in action movies, they slow down to accommodate love scenes and character-development scenes?  (As if we care about characters development in something like “Fast Five”!) One of the things I love about older movies is that they’re often under 90 minutes. Moviemakers in those days understood the attention-span of the average viewer, and our impatience with silly details.

 

 

And sometimes the story needs to end in the dark.  A movie called “Dark Victory” needs to end by fading to black.  “Chronicle” needed a darker ending; the villain, a persecuted boy who gains superpowers and uses them badly, is a tragic character.  We don’t need Light and Happiness; we need a moment to gather ourselves and move on.  (Yes, I know, it’s basically a comic-book movie.  Aren’t they all?)

 

 

One last editing story: the great movie “Sunset Boulevard.”  A great silent-movie actress (played by the real-life silent-movie legend Gloria Swanson) has driven herself nutso believing she’ll make a comeback.  She “hires” the handsome young William Holden to help her with the script that will reestablish her as a star.  She ends up insane; he ends up dead.

 

 

In the release version of the movie, we open on a scene of a man running out onto a patio.  We hear shots.  He falls into a swimming pool face first.  “Yes, this is Sunset Boulevard,” we hear William Holden intone wearly.

 

 

He is the dead man.  He narrates the entire movie; we don’t see him, but we know it’s him, and we know he's dead.

 

 

In the initial “Sunset Boulevard” production, which was shown to preview audiences, the opening of the movie went like this: the camera pans through a morgue, with bodies on slabs.  Suddenly a body sits up and begins to speak . . .

 

 

The preview audience shrieked with laughter. 

 

 

The director and producer were smart enough to realize that this was not the effect they were looking for.

 

 

Editing is important.  And also: shorter is almost always better.

 

 

(And now that I’ve written this much-too-long entry, I ponder upon how I should accept this lesson into my own life.)


 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

For the first day of summer: a young-adult reading list

The-lost-hero


Summer is all about recreational reading, but everyone's idea of light reading is different.  Some like John Grisham, or Patricia Cornwell, or Stephen King.  I like young-adult stuff.

 

 

For me, “young adult” is any chapter book not directed to an adult readership.  Some are perfectly appropriate for bright eight-year-olds, and some aren't. 

 

 

Young-adult literature is unassuming, and it gets right to the point without dithering.  There's very little padding in most young-adult books.  Sometimes the authors pander – they lay it on too thick, or they get the atmosphere wrong – but there's some pretty good stuff out there, both old and new.

 

 

Let's acknowledge J. K. Rowling right at the top of the list.  I hope she figures out a way to continue her story.  What about Harry and Ginny's kids? 

 

 

Still have your set of Narnia books?   I've purchased them and gotten rid of them twice over.  I like the characters and the storytelling, but C. S. Lewis's drippy Christian moralizing makes me feel sticky after a while.  I can't even touch “The Last Battle” anymore, although Neil Gaiman has written a wonderful short story about the flip side of that story.

 

 

(Lewis, for all his faults, was a pretty good writer.  If you haven't read the space novels - “Out of the Silent Planet,” “Perelandra,” and (especially, and weirdest of all) “That Hideous Strength” - do it.  Great stuff.  Nasty stuff here and there, too.  If you don't wince a couple of times while reading these, you're not reading very carefully.)

 

 

If you like surreal whimsy – and who doesn't? - try Tove Jansson’s Moomin books.  My favorite is “Moominland Midwinter”: the Moomin family is hibernating, but the little Moomin boy wakes up and discovers that, during the winter months, their house is completely taken over by all kinds of peculiar creatures.  It has the creepy stillness of a deep Scandinavian winter, and it's lots of fun: perfect ice-cold reading for a hot New England day.

 

 

P. L.Travers wrote “Mary Poppins,” and “Mary Poppins Opens the Door,” and “Mary Poppins in the Park.” Her original Mary Poppins is not Julie Andrews: she’s ferocious, and truly scary sometimes – the cobra in the London zoo calls her “cousin”! – and Jane and Michael worship her.

 

 

Thornton Wilder wasn’t really a young-adult writer, but some of his novels – especially “The Bridge of San Luis Rey” – fit perfectly in this category. I read it in high school, and was moved to tears, and I still quote it endlessly. If you haven’t read it, read it immediately.

 

 

And finally, here’s a writer who’s still among the living: Rick Riordan.  The Percy Jackson books were a Greek-mythology knockoff of Harry Potter, but Riordan can really tell a story too.  He left the Percy Jackson story to tell a sort of parallel story involving Egyptian mythology instead, but it doesn’t quite have the energy of the Percy Jackson books. He seems to have realized this, however, and has gone back to Percy, with a side twist through the Roman version of the Greek myths; he’s written two of these, and they’re both wonderful, and I'm looking forward to number three.

 

 

There’s your summer reading assignment, kids.

 

 

And it’s fun.

 

 

So get reading!

 


 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The first blueberry pie of 2012

Blueberrypie

I am an American, and I like apple pie. And I can make a damned good apple pie, too.

 

 

Somehow, however, I ended up with Partner, and he (and all of the members of his family) prefer blueberry pie.

 

 

I have adapted to this. I have made blueberry pies for years now. I have it down to a science.

 

 

Well, it’s June, and Stop & Shop just put blueberries on sale (two for one!), so it was time to bake my first pie of the season.

 

 

The big problem with blueberry pies is juiciness: if you’re not careful, you get a pieplate full of blueberry soup. I’ve tried all kinds of thickeners: regular flour (no effect at all), tapioca (which creates a creepy gelatinous Blueberry Tapioca Pudding filling), and cornstarch (which is best of all).

 

 

(I’ve ordered something from King Arthur called ClearJel which promises to solve all these problems. We’ll see.)

 

 

The other problems are sweetness and flavor. Blueberries really aren’t very flavorful, and need some help: sugar, spices (I take my lead from the King Arthur cookbook and add a little cinnamon and nutmeg to my blueberries). Too sweet? Not sweet enough? Hard to tell. If the berries look nice and mature and ripe, I trust them a little more, and add less sugar. If they’re small and nondescript – or if (horrors!) I’m using frozen berries – I add a lot more sugar.

 

 

So, on Sunday night, I baked the first official blueberry pie of 2012. The berries were nice and big and fat, so I wasn't too worried about flavor; I added less cornstarch, and less sugar.

 

 

The final result was (I will say) a success. It was sweet without being overpowering, and the spices assisted, but didn’t intrude. (The topic of piecrust deserves a blog of its own someday. But this was a very nice piecrust, savory and soft and agreeable.) The berries stayed whole, but popped pleasantly when you bit into them.

 

 

All in all, a good attempt.

 

 

(But I would rather have had an apple pie.)


 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Movie review: "Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted"

Madagascar


Partner and both like animated movies, so long as they’re clever and well-made. For this reason, we don’t see many of them. 

 

 

But we both wanted to see “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted.”

 

 

If you’re unfamiliar with the franchise: the stars are four animals from the Central Park Zoo – Alex the shy/showoff lion (Ben Stiller); Gloria the sentimental hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith); Melman the hypochondriac giraffe (David Schwimmer); and Marty the hyperactive zebra (Chris Rock). The first movie took them (and a group of four paramilitary penguins) from New York to Madagascar, where they met a surreal band of lemurs led by the sublimely self-absorbed King Julien (Sacha Baron Cohen); the second movie got them as far as Africa, where they dealt with their various back-to-nature issues, and in which Alex met his birth parents.

 

 

The third movie is as freewheeling and joyous as the first two, and maybe more so. Our heroes end up (don’t ask) in Monte Carlo, where they tangle with a vicious over-lipsticked ninja assassin animal control officer named Chantel DuBois (Frances McDormand). They escape by hiding out with the animals of the Circus Zaragoza: a goofy sea lion (Martin Short), a broodingly angry tiger (Bryan Cranston), and a sweetly matter-of-fact jaguar (Jessica Chastain). The animals bond, and triumph over their various adversities.

 

 

But I didn’t need to tell you that, did I?

 

 

The fun of the movie is in the details. The dialogue is blazingly fast and funny. (Near the beginning of the movie, Alex the lion is romping through a model version of Manhattan. “Look!” he crows. “A street with eight Duane Reades!”) The plot twists are sharp and cleverly planned. (King Julien, the insane lemur, falls in love while in Rome, and needs a ring to seal his love. And, if you’re in Rome and want to steal a ring, who has the biggest and best ring of all?) The character development is surprisingly deep. (Vitaly, the Russian tiger, has a wonderful story arc, and his final redemption is brought about by hair conditioner. That’s a spoiler, but you’ll never figure it out in a million years without seeing the movie.) Some of the jokes are actually sophisticated. (DuBois the animal-control officer does a killer rendition of Piaf’s “Je ne regrette rien” to inspire her fellow animal-control officers, and I would love to know if that’s really Frances McDormand singing, because – if so – she’s terrific.) The animation is beautiful: there’s a chase through the streets of Monte Carlo that is spectacularly gorgeous, and I’m convinced they must have taken the animators there to get the details right.

 

 

And – I never thought I’d say this – I wish we’d seen this movie in 3D. You could see it in every scene: stuff popping out at you, characters flying through the air, sudden vertiginous angles. Maybe another time.

 

 

And here’s another spoiler-without-being-a-spoiler: there is a wonderful circus scene – all of the circus acts taking place around each other, in midair, in bright colors, dancing and doing trapeze routines, set to Katy Perry’s “Firework,” that is truly entrancing and joyful.

 

 

Can you tell I enjoyed this movie?

 

 

Go. Take the kids, and grandma, and tell your friends. Forget your troubles and spend a pleasant ninety minutes.

 

 

You won’t regret it.


 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

For Sunday: Siouxsie and the Banshees sing "Dear Prudence"

Prudence


This is the most subversively psychedelic song ever recorded by the Beatles. It’s got perfectly innocent lyrics, inviting you to “come out to play.” But it’s much more insidious than that.

 

 

I would never say that another band did it better. But Siouxsie and the Banshees came close.

 

 

Enjoy.

 

 


 

 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Bloomsday 2012

Joyce

 


Today, June 16, is Bloomsday. As all lovers of James Joyce know, it is on June 16, 1904 that all of the momentous and mundane activity in the novel “Ulysses” takes place: the hero, Leopold Bloom, wanders aimlessly/purposefully around Dublin; his wife Molly does God knows what with Blazes Boylan; the young Stephen Dedalus teaches school, and does his own bit of wandering, and ends up in Nighttown with Bloom, and the two of them go home together.

 

 

 

It’s a whopping good novel, if you haven’t read it. It’s a little threatening at first – really big, a little menacing – but it’s hysterically funny. My high-school librarian, Catherine Schwarz, gave me an old hardback copy back in the early 1970s, which I still have. I poked and pecked at it for some time, until I came to the Nighttown episode, which is written as a kind of surreal drama. When I encountered Mananann Mac Lir, the Gaelic sea god, intoning: “Aum! Baum! Pyjaum! I am the light of the homestead, I am the dreamery creamery butter” – well, I decided I liked it very much.

 

 

When Partner and I were in Ireland some years ago, one of the few things I bought for myself was a nice paperback copy of the original text of “Ulysses,” including all of the original typographical errors. It makes a nice companion piece to my old hardback copy. And it’s from Ireland.

 

 

Joyceans celebrate Bloomsday in all kinds of ways. The NY Times has a blog about it: readings, articles. My friend Bill, who has published an excellent book of texts derived from Joyce (go see it on Keyhole Press: it’s called “Unknown Arts”), just put up a text on Fictionaut which collects all Andy Warhol’s diary entries dated June 16. It’s creepily appropriate for the day.

 

 

Speaking for myself, as a very amateur Joycean, I will probably have a drink tomorrow (which I would probably have anyway, but of which I’m sure James Joyce would approve), and maybe take a quick glance at “Finnegans Wake,” Joyce’s later novel, which I will never really finish, but maybe someday, when I’m in my nineties.

 

 

And then I will thank Our Lord and Savior, on behalf of scholars and writers and critics, that most of Joyce’s work is no longer under copyright.

 

 

Then (maybe) another drink.

 

 

Oh yes I said yes I will Yes.


 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Etsy

Etsy


Etsy is an interesting website on which craftsy people sell craftsy things: soap, jewelry, clothing, ceramics, jewelry, homegrown herbs, jewelry.

 

 

I like that the Internet has brought back a kind of corner-store mentality to the world.  I like seeing that people are making artisanal candles and selling them on the Web.

 

 

I only wish those craftsy people were getting rich. 

 

 

But most of them are not.

 

 

Back in the faraway 1990s, I used to sell lots of stuff on eBay: vintage phonograph records, books, memorabilia.  It did not make me rich, and it was often a pain in the keester.  Finally I gave it up.

 

 

A eFriend of mine crafts beautiful little accessory items and sells them on Etsy.  She spends hours making the items, and more hours photographing / describing / posting them.  She is not yet independently wealthy, however.  (Do yourself a favor and check out her things.  They are very pretty.  I myself have purchased two of her handcrafted necklaces, to give as gifts, and they were both very pretty.)

 

 

One of the other things I like about Etsy is that, when you join, it gives you a “taste test,” to see what kinds of things you like.  Kind of like being at the optician: this, or this? Except that it’s: chair, or necklace?  Pottery, or scarf?

 

 

Afterward, it gives you a list of things you might like.

 

 

The first time I took it, it recommended two basic categories of things to me: French Provincial furniture, and silver skull jewelry.

 

 

Go figure.

 

 

The Etsy algorithm knows my inner soul!


 

 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Jerry Sandusky trial

Sandusky


The Jerry Sandusky case has finally gone to trial. The testimony – descriptions of what Sandusky did to those poor kids – has been brutal. The defense, naturally, is trying to depict the victims as a cabal of greedy envious ungrateful liars, but I don’t think they’re having much success.

 

 

I was given pause on Wednesday morning, however, when I happened to overhear the following scrap of narration on “Good Morning America” (I paraphrase): “Present in court were both Jerry Sandusky and Mike McQueary, the two men who – more than anyone else – brought about the downfall of Joe Paterno.”

 

 

No. Sorry. Joe Paterno brought about the downfall of Joe Paterno.

 

 

Joe Paterno covered up a series of vicious violent crimes against children, because of his own vanity, and his overblown regard for his own reputation, and – maybe also a little – because of his (misplaced) loyalty to his friend Jerry Sandusky.

 

 

Paterno also tried (briefly) to portray himself as a victim. Remember those ugly Penn State campus riots protesting his firing? That’s another little nastiness that Joe Paterno brought about, and then did little to stop. I imagine him sitting home snickering about it.

 

 

Sometimes we have to separate people’s accomplishments from their failings. Everyone says Paterno was a great college football coach, and (because I know nothing, or next to nothing, about football) I can accept that. But Gandhi or Saint Francis he was not.

 

 

The more I think about this case, the emptier and more desolate I feel about it. Sandusky actually founded a children’s charity, which proved to be a rich source of little boys for him to prey upon. At least one victim was told that his accusations had to be groundless, since it was well know that “Sandusky had a heart of gold.”

 

 

I know that the trial isn’t over yet, and that I’m prejudging Sandusky.

 

 

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m wrong about this.

 

 

Here’s a sad fact about humanity, kids: when you assume the worst about people, you’re not often wrong.


 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

PBS

225px-pbs_1971_id

Public television, when I was a kid in the 1960s, was a weak and watery thing.  It was the fifth and feeblest of the stations broadcasting where I lived (the others were the three major networks and a local independent station that mostly showed old movies and reruns).  PBS (in Portland: KOAP / Channel 10) was always full of static, and often faded in and out.  My mother didn’t like it when I watched it; she was afraid that the static actually harmed the TV set.  (People – especially my mother – believed lots of crazy things in those days.)

 

 

I was a nerdy child, and I was fascinated by the bizarre variety of shows on Channel 10: cooking shows, language shows (I remember “Beginning Finnish”), college lectures. (Frankly, I got some part of my education, and my intellectual curiousity, from Channel 10, and god bless them for it.)

 

 

Something happened in the late 1960s.  “Sesame Street.”  “Masterpiece Theatre.”  All of a sudden, people were watching public TV, and talking about it.

 

 

It’s a pillar of the temple nowadays: news programs, science, commentary, foreign programming, odd programming.  Who else would have broadcast an entire series of Peter Brook’s “Mahabharata”?  Who else would show an animated version of the “Popol Vuh”?

 

 

Cable has taken away some of PBS's uniqueness, but PBS is still free, still broadcasting away.

 

 

And the Republicans have always hated it, and want to take away its federal funding.

 

 

Kids: tell the Republicans to go to hell. Vote Democrat, and give to PBS.


 

 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The waiting room

Fish-tank-2


I write this while sitting in the waiting area of a medical office, waiting for Partner to have a two-hour test.  There is a TV in the corner (tuned to MSNBC). We are all sitting numbly and basking in its glow.

 

 

(In my youth, back in the 1950s and 1960s, doctors and dentists had aquariums full of all kinds of crazy colorful creatures in their waiting rooms. The aquariums served the same purpose that televisions do today.)

 

 

The people in the waiting room can’t control the channel changer, which – I think – makes them droopy and inattentive.  This is exactly what TV viewing was like in my youth: no control.  You had your choice of a couple of things – three or four channels at most - and you made the best of it.

 

 

But here I am, tapping away on my iPad.  I can write, send emails, surf the Net. I’m free!

 

 

Quick visual survey of the area: two magazine readers, three book readers, one iPod, one person actually watching the TV.  There’s a surprising lack of representation from the iPhone / Blackberry community.  (The stats just changed: one book reader just put down his Grisham and moved in front of the TV screen.  Evidently he wanted to hear the story about Lady Gaga.)

 

 

Years of television exposure have made me TV-aware.  I can’t help listening to the television, even when I have my back to the set and am trying to think about something else. MSNBC is moderately relaxing for me because I can live with most of the opinions presented; I can live without the visual content, however, as most of their presenters look like they were hit in the face with a two-by-four. 

 

 

(But - you know? - I miss the days when doctors and dentists had aquariums.)


 

 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Movie review: "Prometheus"

Prometheus-bluray


The most frightening movie experience I ever had was in early 1980, when I saw “Alien” at the Avon Cinema in Providence, Rhode Island.

 

 

I saw it alone, by myself.

 

 

Luckily, I lived only about a block away from the theater. I walked home deliberately, trying not to make a fool of myself by running in terror. Once I got inside my apartment, I sat in the dark and shook for a while. I was completely terrorized.

 

 

Well, when I saw that Ridley Scott was producing this “Alien” prequel, “Prometheus,” Partner and I were in the ticket line in nothing flat. I wanted to be frightened like that again. I dreaded it, but I really wanted it; it was like anticipating one of those really horrendous roller-coaster rides that flips you upside down at 180mph and almost but not quite rips your head off.

 

 

Sadly, kids, I have to report that this movie is not “Alien.”

 

 

Mostly this is because we’ve already seen “Alien,” not to mention lots of other stuff. There’s nothing new here. Narsty creatures that get inside you and then bore their way out? Check. Octopus/squid things glomming onto your face? Check. Creepy black fluids that turn out to be alive? I think that was “X-Files,” actually.

 

 

Some of the acting is good. Michael Fassbender (the young Magneto in “X-Men: First Class”) is eerily charming as David, the robot crewmember. Charlize Theron is icily creepy as the corporate leader of the space expedition. Idris Elba is hunky and sympathetic as the big funny/sarcastic captain, with his concertina that used to belong to Stephen Stills.

 

 

Then there’s the rest of the cast. Two of the main roles – the two scientists who are heading the expedition – are played by Noomi Rapace (who played Lisbeth Salander in the Swedish versions of the “Girl Who . . .” movies) and Logan Marshall-Green (whom I didn’t know at all, but who, IMDB tells me, was a featured actor in both “The O.C.” and “24.”) They are both – hm – adequate. She huffs and pants a lot; he looks pained a lot. These two, who I’m sure are wonderful actors in other venues, are seriously miscast here. They don’t fit.

 

 

There are lots of other misfires in this film:

 

-        The plot is miserably tangled. Just go online if you don’t believe me; you’ll discover people having heated arguments about what this scene or that scene meant. Suspense and mystery are good things; confusion and sloppiness are bad things. The abundance of confusing / irrational things in “Prometheus” made me think that the screenwriters just weren’t working things out, and thinking: We’ll figure it out in the sequel.

-        The cinematography isn’t great. We saw the 2D version, but it was easy to see which scenes were meant to be 3D-spectacular: a huge sandstorm, a big virtual-reality planetarium scene, a couple of others. Then again, there were garbled closed-circuit camera scenes (you’re always seeing things from other peoples’ point of view, through a camera), and ancient holographic video, and it’s all pointillistic and strange, and hard to make out. Why? These are supposed to be advanced cultures, man. Don’t they have better video than this?

-        A lot of time is spent on irrelevant details. Example: much time is spent on showing how robot Michael Fassbender admires Peter O’Toole’s performance in “Lawrence of Arabia,” to the point of quoting him, and trying to look like him. Why? No reason. It ends up adding exactly nothing to the movie.

 

 

And finally, and most damningly: it didn’t scare me. I was looking forward to having the bejeezus scared out of me again, the way “Alien” scared me in 1980. A couple of times during "Prometheus," I braced myself – and nothing really interesting happened.

 

 

Wait until it comes out on cable, kids. Nothing to see here.


 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

For Sunday: “I’m a Hard-workin’ Dog,” from Sesame Street

_ringo_herding


This video is from Sesame Street’s very earliest days.  I used to watch the show (though I was much too old for it) because I was fascinated by the creativity of the puppetry and animation and videos, and I was (at least dimly) aware that there was often a more mature humorous subtext.

 

 

This video is without subtext: it is what it is.  I’ve never forgotten it, or the song in it.  I can still sing it in my sleep, and I probably do.

 

 

“All I know how to do is teach a hundred cows some manners.”

 

 

Enjoy.

 

 


 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Princess!

Disneyprincess


I told my friend/colleague Amelia that I’ve been stealing her stories about her little boy and retelling them.  “You want more?” she said.  “Here’s the latest.”

 

 

Okay.  So her son is about three or four, and he’s been in the same day-care for the past couple of years with a little girl named Natalie.  (“I’m sure they’re smitten with each other,” I said. “You have no idea,” Amelia said.)  Natalie’s birthday party was coming up, and Amelia’s son was invited to the birthday party.  “What should we give Natalie for a present?” Amelia prompted her son.

 

 

“Princess stuff,” he responded immediately.  “A princess dress.”

 

 

Aha, thought Amelia.  A hundred bucks plus at a Disney Store, or something pretty plus something sparkly at a regular store.

 

 

So they go to a local store, which happens to be having a promotion for little girl’s dresses.  Amelia’s son is entranced.  Pink! Purple! Red! Yellow!  “Mamma,” he gasped, “we have to buy her one of each.”

 

 

“Let’s just get one for now,” Amelia said steadily.  “What color is her favorite?”

 

 

“Pink,” her little boy said. 

 

 

(This is Amelia speaking: “Now, I know he doesn’t know what I mean, but I asked him: What size is she?  And he said, Well, she’s just a little bit bigger than me.”)

 

 

So Amelia takes a pink dress from the rack, and holds it up against her little boy, to see how it will fit.

 

 

And she notices that all of the other mommies in the store are looking at her strangely.

 

 

This story goes on and on.  They bought shoes, and glittery sunglasses (princess sunglasses) to go with the dress, and the little boy had a wonderful time picking out things for his friend Natalie’s birthday. 

 

 

About halfway through this story, I fell into a deep reverie about how lucky Amelia’s son is, to have a mother who doesn’t judge, who doesn’t censor, who isn’t silly about these things. 

 

 

God bless Amelia, and all the mommies like her.

 

 

Maybe there’s hope for the world after all.

 


 

Friday, June 8, 2012

Pride 2012

Takei


Pride is with us again. (Notice we don’t say “Gay Pride Month” anymore. I’m good with that: pride is pride. If straight people want to march with us because they’re proud of being straight, that’s okay. It’s all about not being ashamed of how you were born.)


I love what’s happening in the celebritysphere. Some months ago, a hate group calling itself “One Million Moms” launched an attack on JCPenney, because they were using Ellen DeGeneres as a spokeswoman. Horrible pervert! they said.  And JCPenney CEO Ron Johnson, Krishna bless him, said:


"We stand squarely behind Ellen as our spokesperson and that's a great thing. Because she shares the same values that we do in our company. Our company was founded 110 years ago on The Golden Rule, which is about treating people fair and square, just like you would like to be treated yourself. And we think Ellen represents the values of our company and the values that we share." 


No kiddin’!


Next time you’re down at your local Social Security Office, ask them for a brochure, or a bookmark. You know who’ll be on it? Patty Duke and George Takei, bless them both. Patty is straight; George is (very publicly) gay, and married to his partner Brad. He’s all over Facebook and Tumblr, and he’s very funny, and no-nonsense.


And have you watched the Tonys lately? And seen Neil Patrick Harris? He rules Broadway, like Patti Lupone used to do.  And Neil is (surprise!) gay. And he is still capable of playing an oily womanizer on “How I Met Your Mother” on CBS every week, and a sweet shy straight supervillain in Joss Whedon’s “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.”


We’re out there, people.


It’s June. It’s time for Pride.


We’re among you. We’re your kids and uncles and aunts and even (sometimes) parents. We’re your teachers and bosses and employees. We’re your congressmen and your constituents. There are a lot of us – probably more than you’d think. And, as the social barriers drop, more and more of us are going to stop hiding. Many of us already have.


But it’s taken us a while to get here.


Which is why, every June, we have a little parade or two, to reward ourselves.


And then maybe some disco music.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Queen's Diamond Jubilee

Queen-elizabeth-ii-18113

If you tuned into BBC America last weekend, you saw the spectacle: a whole bunch of boats cruising down the Thames in the pouring rain with sirens wailing, and thousands of people standing on the riverbanks getting hypothermia and pneumonia at the same time.


This was, of course, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.


Queen Elizabeth II (or “Cousin Lilibet,” as I like to call her) celebrated her 60th anniversary on the throne of the United Kingdom last weekend. It rained like hell. She was a trouper, however, and a good Englishwoman, and stood (with someone holding an umbrella over her head) and waved and smiled and had a good word for everyone.


She is an amazing figure, in her way. There was a fascinating article in the Financial Times last weekend, theorizing that her insistence on saying only the obvious, and her minimalist facial expressions, and her “anodyne conversation,” and her general passivity, are the secrets of her success. A more assertive / active monarch wouldn’t be anywhere near as sympathetic as she is. We can all imagine ourselves chatting with her, or socializing with her: she’s a blank slate. (I remember having a dream years ago in which she came over for dinner. I made spaghetti in the washing machine, but it didn’t turn out very well; she was very good about it, however, and didn’t complain.) Her mother was the soul of good cheer also (although behind the scenes she was said to be catty, and a drinker, and a gambler).


Elizabeth’s uncle, the Duke of Windsor, had some personality. Sadly, it was the wrong kind of personality. Prince Charles has some personality too, but it’s a constipated angry prissy personality, and I wonder – if he actually does succeed to the throne – how popular he’ll be. (Smarter of him, probably, to let one of his sons succeed when Elizabeth passes away.  But, like his great-great-grandfather Edward VII, he’s been waiting for his mummy to die for a very long time.  I don’t think he’ll take himself out of the succession.)


When I was young, I used to read English history all the time; it was far more interesting and dramatic than American history. I longed for kings and queens. Now, at my advanced age, having lived in the Kingdom of Morocco and the Republic of Tunisia as well as the United States of America, I absolutely prefer living in a republic.


If I need a queen, I’ll send for RuPaul or one of the Drag Race contestants.


(One last story, unsubstantiated but funny: The Queen Mum preferred, for whatever reason, to hire gay servants and footmen. One evening, late, she phoned down to the kitchen from her bedroom: “I don’t know what you young queens are doing down there,” she said, “but this old queen up here wants a gin and tonic.”)


So, anyway: God save the Queen.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Verizon FIOS

090827-fios-01


We got an email about a month ago from our landlords, informing us that there would be a Verizon FIOS meet-and-greet in our apartment courtyard at the end of May.

 

 

Our longtime internet / phone / TV carrier (which began with C and ended with OX) had excellent customer service, but had been getting progressively more expensive over the past few years. So, we thought, why not go have some punch and pie, and hear what the nice FIOS man has to say?

 

 

As it turned out, we were pretty much the only people who turned up at the meet-and-greet. (I had a very small Italian cold-cuts sandwich.) It was hosted by a cute young salesman, who talked us into switching from C + OX to FIOS. (He also offered us a whole boatload of gift cards, which very much sweetened the deal for Partner and me. We love gift cards.)

 

 

The actual conversion happened about a week ago. Poor Partner: he was home alone when the Verizon installer came. It took the installer forty-five minutes to find the place where the cabling enters our apartment. (It was in my clothes closet, incidentally.) Then it took another four hours for the installer to set everything up.

 

 

Then it took us another three hours in the evening after the installer left to get everything up and working.

 

 

The process wasn’t perfect, but then: what is? I got the master account working, and then started creating email accounts. I bogged down for a while, but finally figured it out.

 

 

Conclusions:

 

 

·       The FIOS network is faster (slightly).

·       The TV service (especially in HD) is clearer and has less interference.

·       We get more features (like caller ID and voice mail) for less money (at least for the next two years).

·       I vaguely recollect that, ten years ago when we went from ATT to C+OX, we went through the same kind of hell week.

 

 

More than a week has passed. I’m getting pretty much the same amount of email I was getting before; everyone has found me, even some of the spammers. I’m getting used to typing my much longer (but very descriptive) email address. And did I mention how much faster the Net is?

 

 

Shop around, kids. Shop around.

 

 

There’s gift cards in them thar hills.