It’s hard, having to tell the same story over and over
again. I knew at the outset, when I was diagnosed with cancer (a whole entire
week ago!), that I didn’t want to keep it a secret. People (especially people
you know and care about) need to know when you’re sick, and they also need to
know that cancer isn’t necessarily always a death sentence. (Also, I knew
people would gossip, and, since I’m gay, I assumed they’d assume this had
something to do with AIDS, and I wanted to give them the correct information,
just in case.)
I understand a little better now, however, why some people
keep this kind of information a secret.
It’s very tiring to tell people every day how you’re doing.
It’s also very time-consuming. I appreciate the consideration, but – my goodness!
One day is much like the day after. If I was okay yesterday, probably I’m still
relatively okay today. If I was miserable yesterday, well, probably you’d be
doing yourself a favor not to ask me how I’m doing today.
And we’ve barely begun this process yet!
My friend Cathleen suggested a code system: putting up
something on my office door that would tell people how I’m feeling. This made
me think of these faces:
I may resort to something like this in a month or two, when
I’m in treatment and am feeling tired and hopeless.
But for now I can tell you with my own words how I feel.
I feel okay. I have a little pain in my throat – nothing more
than a mild soreness – where the tumor is located. I’m depressed, of course,
and I’m trying very hard not to project too far ahead.
I’ve decided that every day without serious discomfort is a good day.
So today is a good day.
Thank Buddha / Allah / Jehovah / whomever you prefer.
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