Do we need to speak about this new season of Jersey Shore?
Probably not. But I can't help it.
Stupid is as stupid does, we say. Some of the cast members are turning out not to be stupid. Who knew someone named JWOWW could be (relatively) mature and intelligent? And Vinnie – while no rocket scientist – is not a dummy. And Paulie is funny, and a natural entertainer.
But now let us speak of the others.
Deena: the less said the better. She thinks she's fun. No, really, she does! But she is not. But most assuredly she is not. She is a dull-witted hanger-on who falls down a lot. Basta.
(Speaking of “basta”: did I mention that they're in Italy? Doesn't matter. They could be in Teaneck or Schenectady or Hoboken. They go out to eat a lot, and you catch glimpses of the Arno and Santa Maria Novella and the Campanile di Giotto in the background, and Snooki has discovered a taste for “Italy wine.” So much for the show being set in Italy. Let's get on with this.)
Ron: okay, my opinion of Ronnie is skewed, because I think he's cute. But he's violent, and we've seen him beat the shit out of a couple of guys, and we've seen him push and hit women more than once. 'Roid rage? Just natural meanness? Doesn't really matter. We will be hearing more from him, probably in those TMZ moments when they update us on celebrity meltdowns.
Mike “The Situation”: his psychology is so tangled it almost defies description. He can cook, for one thing, and he's not as absymally stupid as some of the others. But he's desperate for attention, and he loves meddling for its own sake. He discovered the TV camera before most of the rest of them did, and it took him a couple of seasons to learn not to look directly into it before doing something especially heinous. He likes creating drama and watching people fight. It was really viscerally pleasing (for me, at least) to see the murderously serious Ronnie try to beat the life out of him not long ago.
And last, the eternal Snooki (or better, as an Italian florist called her, “Nookie”). She looks like a dirty ungroomed obese hairy parakeet. She burps. She is an ungodly shade of orange/brown. She, like Deena, thinks she's attractive. She keeps pointing to Florentine churches and wanting to know if they're the Vatican. There's a grotesque close-up of her kneading pizza dough (yes, they keep pretending that they're working real jobs) with nasty claw-like blue-sparkly fingernails.
Why oh why do I keep watching this show?
Because it is just about the funniest and saddest thing on TV, with the possible exception of “The A-List: New York.”
Next week (I hope): Snooki loses one of her fingernails in the pizza dough!
