When I watch Joisy Shoah, I'm torn. Am I standing in front of the monkey cage at the zoo, watching the chimps jump up and down? Or am I seeing high drama?
Okay. Maybe both.
Analysis follows:
Ronnie and Sammi. I swear to God, it's like watching George and Maggie Antrobus in “The Skin of Our Teeth.” First season: Ron & Sam get into a relationship and, as a result, aren't much fun on the show (the 'fun' people on the show go to clubs and get drunk and bring home sex partners.) Sammi is very controlling, Ronnie is alternately contrite and angry. Dull, dull, dull. Second season: they reunite, after an angry breakup. This time, Ronnie is out with lots of girls, but he comes home to Sammie and has sex with her and assures her that she's his only love. Then he goes out and cheats some more. She stays home and weeps into her pillow. Confessions, tears, reconciliations. More cheating. Repeat.
Season One Ronnie was cute and dumb and easily led. Season Two Ronnie seems determined to make poor Sammi dance to his tune, the way he danced to hers. He's a mean little man with a boyish little face, and a very facile liar. I'm thinking Chris Meloni in “Oz.”
Sammi is a rough sketch of every woman in history who's put up with her spouse's misbehavior. She's Tammie Wynette, she's Carmela Soprano. Sammi whines, she lies in bed clutching her blanket, she twitches. But she sticks with Ronnie.
I get chills watching this.
Mike the Situation. What can I say? Archie Rice. Sammie Glick. Andy Griffith in “A Face in the Crowd.” That clownish kid in your fourth-grade class who actually succeeded in life, and who gives you the creeps every time you see him. Every zhlub in history who ever marketed himself. Every time Mike simpers into the camera, every time he says “We got us a situation here,” every time he lifts his shirt to show off his corrugated abs, he's thinking: Money in the bank!
The crowning glory, of course, was watching him stumble and trip on “Dancing With The Stars.” Evidently fame and talent aren't the same thing. But that's okay: he'll learn. Maybe.
Snooki. Oh my god her poor father.
Vinnie. Quiet and dull during Season One; livens up considerably during Season Two (probably because he realized he missed a golden opportunity to market himself. He wants to be an actor, by the way.)
Oh, and be sure to read that article. “I'm just Vinnie.” Now, I can read that two ways:
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#1: I'm just Vinnie Guadagnino, good son / mamma's boy from Staten Island, went to SUNY New Paltz, studied law, actually worked as a political intern for a while, smarter than most of the dullards around him. A little dull for “Jersey Shore,” but is that a bad thing?
Or:
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#2: I'm just “Vinnie (no last name),” a character on “Jersey Shore,” the “smart guy” who's also a “stud” and “attractive” and “sensitive.” And who fancies himself an actor.
I'm leaning toward #2.
Paulie D. He's a fellow Vo Dilundah, I can't say anything. But he's a DJ, he's been in front of a crowd before. He understands (as Mike the Situation does not) that it's best not to look straight into the camera. Of all of the people on this show, he seems to get the joke on a deeper level. He's also naturally witty. (I treasure the Season Two moment when, after a tense day, they all sit down to dinner. A moment of silence. Then Paulie says: “So, Nicole. How was school today?”)
JWOWW. Tough broad. Said to be modeling for Playboy soon. She's made her choice: she's decided to be famous for being famous. Look for her at state fairs and on game shows within ten years.
Angelina. My star, my life. She's an instigator, a force of nature. She had the nerve to accept a Fossil watch from her new boyfriend, the little trollop. Everyone hates her. I love her.
Angelina: marry me.
Oh, wait. Angelina, listen. I'm gay. And I bruise easily. So let's wait a while on that last thing.
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