Partner and I went to see “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” on Sunday. After the usual Coca-Cola and Hyundai and US Army adverts, we saw previews for:
“Conan the Barbarian.” Magic, swords, evil laughter, panoramic shots of a castle that I thought at first might be Hogwarts. Not much dialogue, but a good deal of grunting and screaming. There was also a very large young man, with a very big sword, and abdominal muscles you could grate Parmesan cheese on, running around scowling and chopping people's heads off. “Did they really need to remake this?” Partner said irritably. “It was only - ”
“Twenty-nine years ago,” I said. “Long forgotten. When we were kids, the equivalent movie would have been 'The Jazz Singer.'”
“Can't they at least find a new story?” Partner hissed. “Something no one's done before. Isn't there a piece of literature - ”
“John Carter of Mars,” I said. “Ssh. Watch.”
And right on cue, as if summoned by Partner's wish, there it was. The lead actor isn't very distinctive-looking, but once he exchanges his 19th-century garb for a leather S&M outfit and a sword, he's okay. Once again: a little magic, a little bloodshed, a castle. This one also has aliens, however. “At least it's new,” I said. “I don't think anyone's made a movie of those books before.”
"Meh," said Partner.
I tend to agree.
Then, thirdly and lastly, something that actually sounded interesting: “In Time,” with Justin Timberlake. It's the future, and you have a nice digital clock on your forearm that tells you how much time you have left to live. You can work to earn more, or you can spend the time you have on goods and services. You see? Time is now currency. And when your time's up . . .
Okay, maybe not completely new. A little “Logan's Run,” maybe some “Soylent Green.” Lots of running through the streets, and desperate faces, and I'm sure there are innumerable variations of lines like “I'm running out of time!”
But Justin Timberlake is always cute, so we might see this one.
See how easy it is to pick out a movie?
And now: your feature presentation.
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