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Friday, March 18, 2011

The Eastside Marketplace at the end of the universe

Cashier-calamities


Some scientists say that there are parallel universes and alternate worlds all around us. They occupy the same space we do, but we don't see them.


 

I have found evidence of this at the local supermarket.


 

When I put my groceries on the checkout counter, the cashiers pick them up, scan them, put them back on the belt, take my money – but without ever speaking to me, or even looking at me.


 

Apparently they and I are in different universes.

 

 

The groceries are somewhere in between, I guess.


 

Once in a while, however, there is a glimpse of the other side.


 

The other night, I was buying one item: a bottle of Fiji water. The cashier was a fourteen-year-old girl, and the bagger was another fourteen-year-old girl. “I, like, love this water,” the cashier said, pushing it down to the bagger. (This dialogue should be read aloud with a Valley Girl intonation for full effect.)

 

 

Whyyyy?” the bagger said. “It's, just, wa-ter.”

 

 

“It tastes better,” the cashier said.


 

Whyyy?” the bagger said again. “It's, just, wa-ter.”


 

Nooooo,” the cashier said. “It's delicious. It's, like, from a mountain or something.”


 

“It's from the South Pacific,” I said.


 

For a moment her eyes flickered up to my face. I think she actually heard me, across the universes. “Yeahh,” she said to the bagger.


 

I think this is a tremendous breakthrough.


 

Someone please notify Stephen Hawking.

 


 

 

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