I managed to survive the third season of “RuPaul's Drag Race” without a (serious) cardiac event.
If you've never seen it: it's a musical-comedy version of Dante's Inferno, with a guaranteed happy ending.
And it's extremely educational.
Here are some of the lessons I gleaned from Season Three:
It's not enough to look fabulous; you have to be fabulous. Case in point: Carmen Carrera. She was easily the most beautiful drag queen on the runway. Sadly, she had the personality of uncooked brisket. Ten points for looks; minus nine points for lack of charisma.
Reading is fundamental. “Reading,” for all you drag neophytes, is scathing/funny criticism of your friends and enemies. “Don't make me read you, girl!” It's phrased amusingly and pointedly; it teaches you to accept criticism, and not to have a thin skin, and to laugh at yourself. Sadly, some of this year's contestants did not seem to understand this. Raja, the winner of the competition, got read by the others constantly: she was mean to the other girls, she was older than they were, blah blah blah. She soldiered on, and she won, girlfriend, she won. Hallaloo!
There's a fine line between eccentric and unflattering. Alexis Mateo, one of this year's finalists, had a very unique style: tight Barbie-doll outfits, extreme makeup. It was well-done, and Alexis had a big personality and a lot of determination. But some of her outfits were downright ugly and ill-considered. She looked like a sequined blimp a lot of the time. And that will never do.
If you're a judge, be a mean judge. Santino Rice: I love you.
If you're a judge, be a funny judge. Johnny Weir: I love you too.
If you're a judge, be a stern judge. Michelle Visage: I love you most of all.
It never hurts to be talented. Shangela, though I disliked her intensely, was a hysterically funny comedienne. Raja, the winner, was a very experienced model. Manila Luzon, the first runner-up, could do both funny and glam, and even both at the same time, and could easily have won.
And finally:
Don't talk too much about “keeping it real” when you're a drag queen. I think this is obvious.
(Unless this is a koan of some kind, in which case I might actually achieve enlightenment.)
(And if I do, it will be thanks to RuPaul.)
(And, if so, once again: hallaloo!)
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