I have written about Apollonia and her sister Augusta. There is also a third sister, named (for the purposes of this blog) Agrippina.
(All great comedy groups come in threes. Think of the Ritz Brothers. Think of the Marx Brothers. Think of the Three . . . well, you know who I mean.)
Anyway: “So we’re in the hospital,” Apollonia says. “It’s very late. Agrippina says, ‘Go get me some candy. Licorice. I want licorice.’ I said to her: ‘It’s after midnight. Where in the hell am I going to buy licorice for you?’ And, very calmly, she says: ‘Go to a movie theater.’”
Apollonia and I are silent for a moment. “That’s brilliant,” I said. “I never would have thought of that.”
“Yeah, well,” Apollonia said wearily, “listen to this. I said: ‘You think I’m gonna go out to a movie theater and get you licorice?’ And she says: ‘Yeah. And I want that kind – you know? – with the pieces that are all different shapes. You know. With the little candies stuck to them.’” Apolllonia goggled at me. “What in the hell was she talking about?”
“Allsorts,” I said, quick as a flash.
“What?” Apollonia croaked.
I was sitting in front of my desktop computer at the time, so I quickly Googled an image (see above). “Licorice allsorts,” I said. “My favorite. I loved them as a child. Not commonly available. Buy them when you can.”
“Oh my God!” Apollonia moaned. “You know about this stuff too!”
That same day, I went to two CVS locations, and a Bed Bath & Beyond, and a RiteAid, and two other places, and I’m still looking for licorice allsorts. (I’m sure they’re available online, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. I want to find them in the wild, in their natural environment.)
When you’re a child, what do you want? Candy. But adults won’t let you have it.
The most wonderful thing about adulthood is that you can buy yourself all the candy and toys you like, and no one can stop you or say no.
I will find licorice allsorts. And I will buy a package for Agrippina, and five or six packages for myself, and maybe some bubble gum for Apollonia (she’s a big Bazooka fan, though she will settle for Dubble Bubble).
And we will all be childishly happy.
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