Back to the Showcase Cinema: two large Diet Cokes and two seats close to the aisle.
But first, the previews:
No Strings Attached. This is the third time I've seen this preview, and every time I see it, Ashton Kutcher looks more and more like my fat unmarried cousin. Why do they keep casting him as a cute young stud? And doesn't Natalie Portman have better things to do? Evidently not. Coming January 21.
Sanctum. The new James Cameron feature. Huge glowing underwater structure, which I think Cameron had left over from “The Abyss,” or maybe “Avatar.” A bunch of people diving into bottomless pools hidden in huge caves. Claustrophobia is the latest big thing, I guess. One of the actors whimpers, “I don't want to die down here!” Well, dumbass, why did you go skin-diving in a bottomless pit hidden in a dark cave? Coming February 4.
Season of the Witch. Nicolas Cage's hair used to get more and more disheveled as his movies progressed. Now he just starts the movie disheveled and lets the chips fall where they may. He's got a real Annette Funicello thing going in this one. Castles, ominous-looking birds – um, crusaders? Oh, there's a woman in a cage. They think she's a witch. She's not a real witch, though. Oops, yes she is! Coming January 7.
Thor. Large blonde beefcake number with scruffy beard. He looks sullen and takes off his shirt twice in a two-minute preview. Now we're talking. Now we're in Valhalla! Lots of Art Deco architecture. Apparently the Norse gods wear workout outfits designed by RuPaul. Anthony Hopkins is wearing a platinum eyepatch. Fight, fight, fight! Hit me with your big ol' hammer, Thor! Coming May 6.
(“We're seeing that one,” I whispered to Partner. Partner scowled and mimed braining me with a box of Raisinets.)
Unknown. Liam Neeson looking intense. He has amnesia! Or does he? He's running all over Europe trying to convince people of his real identity. Isn't this the same movie he did a few years ago? If I'd saved my movie stub from that one, would I get to see this one free? Coming February 18.
And now: your feature presentation.
No comments:
Post a Comment