There are things that gay men have to do. One of them is watching the Oscar telecast, whether we want to watch it or not.
Here, for the rest of you, is what you may or may not have missed last night, the highs and the lows:
- In the obligatory funny opening, James Franco and Anne Hathaway teleport through this year's movies, in a conceit borrowed from “Inception.” Cute, right? Until they did “Black Swan.” Anne wears a dreadful duck outfit; James is in a very tight white leotard, and kids, he has a killer ass.
- Kirk Douglas looks dreadful, but he's very funny, and he can't get enough of the camera. And they can't get him off the stage. “Australians always think I'm funny!” he cackles, pointing to Hugh Jackman.
- Melissa Leo, accepting her award, uses what will be known forevermore as “the Melissa Leo f-word.”
- Justin Timberlake claims to be Banksy. Too highbrow for this crowd?
- Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, who have a whole boatload of cute between them (Javier, if you're reading this, call me!), look awful in their matching white tuxes, which (Partner and I agreed) appear to be made from old flour sacks.
- David Seidler, the sweet old man who won for writing “The King's Speech” (and who waited almost thirty years to write it, so as not to offend the Queen Mother), jokes charmingly about being a late bloomer.
- Anne Hathaway sings really well! Dressed in a natty tux (take note, Javier and Josh!), she does a cute little lament to Hugh Jackman, mentioning his “fake retractable claws.” (Everyone loves Hugh Jackman.)
- After Anne's song, James Franco comes out in Marilyn Monroe drag, matching Anne's Marlene Dietrich tuxedo drag. (I give them both credit. You know I have deep respect for drag.)
- Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, presenting an award together, are inexplicably perfect as a combo, like Canadian bacon and pineapple on pizza. She is icy and speaks French; he is crazy and idiotic. And (producers take note!) they are not on stage for very long.
- Christian Bale, with a neatly-trimmed Captain Ahab beard, references “the Melissa Leo f-bomb” in his thank-you speech.. (You could tell he expected to win. I bet he would have thrown a brilliant tantrum if he hadn't.)
- Matthew MacConaughey looks like a dried codfish.
- James Franco called the winners of the Scientific and Technical awards “nerds.” Nice guy!
- Cate Blanchett, reading the nominees for Best Makeup, calls the clip from “The Wolfman” “gross.” Big laugh. Guess who wins? Rick Baker for “The Wolfman.”
- Kevin Spacey: “Good evening. I'm George Clooney.” (Yo, Kevin! Call me!)
- Every time I hear Randy Newman perform, I think of Will Sasso on “Mad TV,” who did it better than Randy ever did.
- (Why the hell is Adrien Brody doing a Stella Artois ad?)
- A crazy man with mop hair, Luke Matheny, wins for short subject. He thanks his mother for working as craft services! And Franco gives him a shoutout for NYU!
- Billy Crystal does a shoutout to Hugh Jackman in the audience. It was at least the third Jackman shoutout of the show. Everyone loves Hugh Jackman! (Yo, Hugh! Call me!)
- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law have huge chemistry together. I want them to start making out, right there on stage.
- I'll kill Gwyneth Paltrow with my own two hands if she keeps pretending to be a singer. Especially after being introduced as “country music's new sensation.” Does Country Music know about this?
- (Randy Newman update: he won for his “Toy Story 3” song. And he was funny and self-deprecating in his speech. I take it all back.)
- Best Oscar-themed commercial of the night: “Modern Family” cast, doing charades. “Lovely Bones! Milk!”
- Natalie won Best Actress for “Black Swan.” Good for her. I'm glad that stupid Ashton Kutcher movie she made didn't kill her chances.
- Sandra Bullock is very funny during her presentation speech. She calls Jeff Bridges “Dude”!
- Colin Firth wins Best Actor. Partner just said: “What a relief! Imagine being the favorite and not winning!”
- Anne Hathaway promised seventeen outfits for the evening, and she delivered. And she looked good in all of them.
- “The King's Speech” wins Best Picture! One of the producers thanks his boyfriend. Good for him.
Good night, good night. Until next year.
And thanks to the Academy.
(This is exhausting. I hope you appreciate what Partner and I do for you.)
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