Isabella Rossellini

You almost certainly know Isabella Rossellini. You know her from her old Lancome ads, or her terrifically creepy performance in “Blue Velvet,” or her role as Jack Donaghy’s ex-wife on “30 Rock,” or her voice-over performance as Homer Simpson's agent when he becomes an outsider artist. 

She is also the star of two clever little web series called “Green Porno” and “Seduce Me.”

These are series of short films in which she dresses as animals: squid, earthworms, ducks, lobsters, bedbugs.  She acts out their life-cycles and (most specifically) how they have sex. 

She wears the most outrageous pantomime outfits, which are anatomically correct but completely unshocking.  She explains her premises: “If I were a shrimp,” she says, “when I am young, I would be a man.”  And she is a cute young shrimp, in a shell, with a mustache.  “But when I am older, I become a woman . . .” She removes her mustache and her outer shell, and suddenly she’s a nubile young female shrimp.

She wears penises as necessary. Her whale penis is enormous. Her barnacle penis is even more so.

She is funny and intense. She’s one of those celebrities I’d like to know in person, because she seems so sympathetic and intelligent.

I bet she and I would have fascinating conversations about the sex-life of the squid.

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