Partner and I went to see “Due Date” at the Showcase on Sunday. We got there in plenty of time for the previews.
Here, as a public service, is what you have to look forward to over the next few months:
Love & Other Drugs. Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. They're hot! He's a wise-guy pharmaceutical salesman and a ladies' man, with beautiful eyes and the devil's smile. She's beautiful and has huge dark eyes, and she only wants him for sex. She hits him with a suitcase! He sells Viagra! They fall into bed, no strings attached. Stuff happens. Now they're in love! Oh my god, what now? Coming November 24.
Faster. Dwayne Johnson used to be the Rock, but I guess he's more serious now. He's killing everybody, including girls! Apparently it's revenge for something, but I'm not quite sure what. Revenge is great! Justice is slow. Dwayne Johnson is faster! Coming November 24.
(Notice how they alternate romantic-comedy previews with action-movie previews? I guess the action-movie preview is supposed to clear your palate. Or something.)
The Next Three Days. Russell Crowe looks hunky and vulnerable in a white t-shirt, just like in “A Beautiful Mind.” He and his radiant blond wife, Elizabeth Banks, are having breakfast and playing with their little boy. Then the police break in! She's arrested! She's in prison! What are we going to do? I suppose we could appeal the conviction, but what did we just learn a minute ago from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Justice is slow. Let's do it faster! It's a jailbreak! They're running through the streets of Pittsburgh! Wait a minute, what? Coming November 19.
Hall Pass. Opens with a shot of the Providence skyline. Why? Doesn't matter. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are bored with married life. Sudeikis looks like Ward Cleaver as a young man, and Wilson looks like a big pile of dirty laundry. Their wives meet Joy Behar, who tells them to let their husbands go wild for a week. Let them do anything they want, Joy says wisely. You'll see: they'll be miserable in no time at all! And it's working! The guys' idea of a good time is to go to Applebee's and overeat. They've forgotten how to pick up girls! Will they ever be able to face their wives (and Joy Behar!) again? Coming February 25.
(“How many more of these are there going to be?” Partner hissed. I shushed him. I hate missing previews. They're full of vital cultural information.)
No Strings Attached. Ashton Kutcher, who is not young anymore, takes off his shirt a lot. He's looking pretty doughy, by the way. He wakes up after a blackout in a strange apartment, and all of the people there pretend they had sex with him, including the gay guy! Ashton just wants to have sex with Natalie Portman, no strings attached (see “Love & Other Drugs,” above). Then he falls in love with her! I didn't see that coming, did you? Coming January 21.
Sucker Punch. It's in enhanced color, so you know something's up. A girl goes to a Vermont insane asylum. (Vermont?) There's only one way out: through controlled visualizations! It turns into a video game. Three CGI babes are running around shooting up everything! There's a dragon! There's a zeppelin! (I'm not making this up.) Why are they showing this preview before “Due Date”? Coming March 25.
People are always talking about the death of Hollywood. I'm not worried. Hollywood just keeps reinventing itself, over, and over, and over again.
Would you like Raisinets, or Milk Duds?
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