Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki / Snickers, is a real person on the television program “Jersey Shore.” She is, however, more of a cartoon character than a real human being. She is a combination of Kay Thompson's Eloise, Jean Hagen's Lina Lamont, and a a not-very-smart cat or dog.
She says the damndest things.
Such as:
- “My most prized possession would probably be my bronzer and eyeliner. Bronzer because, just in case you go out and then you look in the mirror and you look pale? Just apply the bronzer. You don't have enough eyeliner on? Put the eyeliner on.”
- “Um, I don't read books. I tried to read 'Twilight,' but it got boring the second page. There's no pictures, so, I'm not readin' it.”
- “I'm fat. I'm about to eat a sausage right now. Fuck you all! Ha ha!”
- “Pickles is my thing.”
- “I am a princess at home, like, I am the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepsie. Here, I am nobody. I'm, like, emotionally exhausted.”
- [to Jwoww:] “If you leave, I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons.”
- “I feel like a Pilgrim from the friggin’ ’20s washing this shit in the sink.”
- “I don’t tan anymore because Obama put a ten percent tax on tanning. I feel like he did that specifically for us. McCain would never do that, because he’s pale and probably wants to get tan. Obama doesn’t have that problem. Obviously.”
- [Preparing for a date:] “And if it's a smush, you gotta put lotion on your butt.”
- “He's a really good guy. That's the kind of guy I need in my life. I think his name is Ron.”
- “If you want me to cook and poison everybody and we're gonna be dead in two minutes? Whatever.”
- “[Vinny's] like my big brother, I love him. But usually you don't have sex with your big brother.”
- “The glasses are all bling bling, but when you put them on you can't really see. So I don't think you can drive with them, because you can't really see.”
- [Snooki's list of criteria for a man:] “Tanned; guido; juicehead gorilla; big sense of humor; likes to party; fist-pumps; frolics; isn't a jerkoff; a dork at heart; pays for meals; smells good; nympho; likes pickles; takes interest in my hobbies; very protective; not so serious; likes to sleep in.”
- “White's in in Miami. What if you get your period? It's ruined.”
- “My first thought was: I don't wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just fucked up dinner. My third thought was: What the fuck am I gonna eat?”
- “Sympathetic. Word of the day. That's a big word!”
And finally:
- “A crow comes, and it starts quacking at us. Or, not quacking. What’s a crow do? ... Usually when a crow comes and it does that, that means you’re gonna die; it’s warning you of your death. So right now we’re thinking: ‘Who’s gonna die right now?’ Not gonna be me!”
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