All the way with Cam Gigandet

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Partner and I saw “Burlesque” a few weeks ago. We though it was pretty entertaining, and I learned a few things:

 

 

• Christina Aguilera can actually act.

• Cher can still sing. Pretty well, too.

• I could watch Stanley Tucci bake muffins, and I'd still give him a standing ovation.

• Cam Gigandet is adorable.

  
  

 

Young Cam plays Christina's love interest. He takes off his clothes several times during the movie, which is all the burlesque I need. There is a slow striptease/seduction scene, beginning with winsome boyish Cam in baggy flannel pajamas and concluding with naked Cam holding a box of snacks in front of his crotch. Tears of joy and longing ran down my face as I watched.

 

Trolling the Net after we got home, I found that Cam was linked with the “Twilight” franchise, but I had no recollection of him there. So I consulted my friend and coworker Apollonia.

 

Apollonia, like me, was born before the Kennedy Administration. She was a perfectly normal person until she discovered Stephanie Meyer. Now – well, if Twilight were a religion, Apollonia would be the Pope. I know for a fact that she owns a life-sized cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson, which she used to keep in the office. She took it home finally because she was afraid someone would vandalize it. All right, she was afraid I might vandalize it.

 

Anyway, Apollonia drew her breath in sharply when I mentioned Cam Gigandet's name. “James!” she said. “You remember. He's a vampire. A very, very, very bad vampire.”

 

Ah. Now I remember. He's the roguish villain who kidnaps Bella and fights with Robert Pattinson at the end of the first movie. “He was up for the part of Edward,” Apollonia continued, in full search-engine mode, “but naturally they picked Robert Pattinson."

 

“Naturally,” I said.

 

“But,” she said, ignoring my sarcasm, “they offered Cam Gigandet the part of James.”

 

“He would have been cute as Edward,” I said. “He's a little – hmm – beefier than Robert Pattinson.”

 

“Hmm,” Apollonia said, narrowing her eyes. “No. All wrong for the part.”

 

It's unwise to belittle Robert Pattinson in front of Apollonia. She has no sense of humor on the subject. “You're not going to write about this, are you?” she said warningly. “If you do, it'd better not be snarky.”

 

“I promise,” I said.

 

I lied.

 

Cam Gigandet is much cuter than scrawny malnourished milk-white fluffy-haired Robert Pattinson.

 

 

Gotta run to the store to see if I can get a life-sized cardboard Cam Gigandet cutout. Later, kids.

 

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