Partner and I agree that the new season of “Jersey Shore” is, well, intense. The last two episodes have been the most-watched shows in MTV's history, bitches!
What is is about this show that's so fascinating? The cast has no talent. But none. Okay, maybe Paulie has some self-awareness; he's a DJ, and he's often witty. But I am convinced that you could take MRIs of all of the rest of them, and the only things you'd find inside their heads would be fingernail clippings and dryer lint.
When you throw a random group of people together, you get an impromptu dysfunctional family. I've seen it happen in college, and in the Peace Corps. Reality television relies on this: look at “Big Brother” and “The Real World” and the rest of them. But this group, oh Jesus oh Jesus, it just keep throbbing with life. Snooki's in jail! Deena brings home a guy who looks just like Ronnie! Jwoww's fighting with her old boyfriend Tom while (at the same time) canoodling with her old/new boyfriend Roger! The Situation's brooding! Snooki's sitting in the mini-fridge because her ass itches!
Snooki is especially mysterious to me. I have some questions. Ponder them.
- Snooki has her eye on a guy named Nick, whom she describes as “Irish.” Nick has a tramp stamp that says “LA FAMIGLIA.” Why would an Irish guy have an Italian-language tattoo? Is it possible that Snooki doesn't know what the word “Irish” means?
- Why would any man find Snooki attractive? Nick's cute. I mean CUTE. He looks like Brett Favre, if he were twenty years younger and had a significantly better body. And he's dating Snooki? Is he high?
- One of the most gripping things I've ever seen on TV: Snooki eating a raw potato. A friend of mine used to talk about his Uncle Spud, who “ate green potatoes when he was a boy, and was never quite right after that.” Well, Snooki's not quite right. Are the raw potatoes to blame?
- Vinnie interviews Snooki's hair at one point. Snooki sits still and puts up with it. Paulie does the voice of Snooki's hair. Again, Snooki just sits and lets it happen. Does Snooki understand that they're making fun of her?
This show exhausts me. I need refreshment. Quick, bring me a shot of Patron and a fried pickle. With a raw potato on the side.
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